Allowing our life / career stories to be written one chapter at a time

You’ve probably heard sayings like “if you fail to plan, you’re planning to fail” or “if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there” and I’m sure that there are many other adages that seem to imply that we should each have every step of our lives charted out in advance.

What do you think of those sage maxims?  What is your guttural reaction?  For some amongst us, especially the planners, there may be a firm head nod of agreement … but others, especially those who just don’t know their next step yet, those words may instill feelings of insecurity or even guilt as if we’re being accused of being wayward … or worse.  Regardless of your reaction (or mine), I’d like to suggest that we could all give ourselves a little grace and consciously allow ourselves to rejoice in the unwritten chapters of our life journeys.

I don’t like to think of myself as a “control freak”, but as a surgeon and child of a military / airline pilot and an operating room nurse, I’m sure that I fall somewhere on the spectrum. That said, even the most regimented, driven and controlling among us would do well to recognize that our perception of control is just that … a perception. The fact is that the grand majority of life and the circumstances within it are not, in fact, under our control. Our relative lack of control is actually a beautiful thing because it means that our entire life story is not yet written … instead, it is still being written … one chapter at a time. Notice that I said “it is being written” rather than “we are writing it” because I believe that we are not the sole authors of our lives.  I propose that we consciously make room for people, circumstances and experiences to mold our present selves into our futureselves.

I, for one, could not have possibly charted out the various twists and turns that my life and career have taken. Instead, there are a series of people who’ve walked into my life and influenced me, molded me and redirected me in ways that I would never have predicted.  When I look in the rearview mirror of my life, it is crazy how many times other people saw something in me that I could not see in myself.  Though I may not have listened right away, when I’d see patterns of peoples’ input and observations, I couldn’t help but think “hmmm, there may be something to that”.  There have also been circumstances and experiences that have changed my thinking and/or altered my path.

To be totally fair, I’ll also be the first to admit that sometimes those people, circumstances and experiences that walk into our lives are the messy bits of life and may not always be the chapters that we may wish to publish. That’s okay … we all have them … let’s be real with ourselves and others and not pretend that we don’t. Instead, let’s give ourselves some grace and accept that while those chapters may not be the fun ones, we can and should grow from them … and they ARE part of our story.  Why do we seem to insist on portraying our lives as some sort of Disney, feel good, family matinee when I think most of us prefer movies or novels  with realistic plot lines that stray from the “everything is awesome” theme?  I’m not proposing that we intentionally stray into knowingly detrimental relationships or circumstances, but simply that we acknowledge that they DO happen … sometimes due to our own choices and sometimes due to factors beyond our control. I suspect that it is better for us to “own” those chapters rather than try to delete or re-write them because they are important parts of our greater story. They help to explain to others and to ourselves who we are.  So, for those of us who are quite a few chapters into our life stories, let’s not be afraid to include all of them.

My heart often extends even further to those who are only a few chapters into their story. I’ve come into contact with many young people that have articulated that they feel somewhat paralyzed by the unknown that they face. Often, they express some anxiety about not knowing where they are going.  They often seem to think that we “more experienced” individuals had our paths all figured out at their age – I reassure them that was certainly not the case in my life. I often propose when paralyzed by a world of possibilities that the first step may be to look at the 360° around us and simply eliminate half of it and take one step forward into the unknown. It is that step forward that allows people and experiences to work on us. Those people and circumstances will, in all likelihood, impact us. They may tell us with laser-like intensity that we are EXACTLY where we ought to be or they may redirect our focus … the re-direction could be a few degrees this way or that way … or it could be a “STOP, plant both feet in the ground and turn 180° in the opposite direction”. The point is that it is all okay … we don’t need to pretend like we know what is around every corner (because we don’t) and it is refreshing to allow for the unknown to work on us and to make us better. Provided that we are seeking to positively impact our world, the where and the how of that contribution is typically of lesser importance.

So, my encouragement for you (and for me) is that we don’t expect perfection of ourselves or others; instead, let’s agree to simply pursue growth and allow others and our experiences to be a part of the process.  Let’s feel free to take some control of our life stories where we can, but let’s be sure to allow others and our collective experiences to serve as co-authors too.

I can honestly say that my life story to date is NOTHING like I would have outlined it. Instead, it is a much more adventurous, sometimes ugly, but much richer story than I’d have ever imagined it. I can hardly wait to see the chapters that have yet to be written!  I’ve got a few ideas about a step or 2, but those steps will certainly be designed to invite people and experiences to coauthor the next chapters.

Speaking of allowing others to write parts of our stories and impact our thinking, what about you? …. What is your vantage point on all this?

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Dr. Palmer’s career has spanned both private practice and academia. Ross is a professor of Orthopedics at Colorado State University, Associate Director of Education at the Translational Medicine Institute and a frequent speaker / educator at conferences around the world … but he’s much more than those roles … he’s a whole person and so are you.